Who is that Ugly Child?
by giggly sisters
Summary: Many have wondered why (and rued the day) the dreaded Jamie came to plague the Ponderosa. The Giggly Sisters reveal all.


Who Is That Ugly Child?  
  
There seemed to be something a little different about the ranch house that day, but the Giggly Sisters couldn't quite put their fingers on it. Or not until they saw Joe. He was a lot older all of a sudden, and it appeared that Pa had lost the battle over the length of his hair. It certainly was long enough to belong to a riverboat gambler.  
  
"Joe?" said the redhead. She smiled, as she liked long hair on a bloke, and apart from that, Joe was just as golden-hued and muscular as ever.  
  
"Morning girls," Joe said, putting his arms round them, and giving them both a loving kiss. His green/hazel eyes twinkled. "How are you this morning?"  
  
There was a sound behind them, and the sisters turned to look at a small boy with hideously crinkled orange hair. He was incredibly ugly, and he was gazing at them with undisguised awe.  
  
"Who is that ugly child?" asked the blonde, in her private school accent, which meant that her diction was ringingly clear.  
  
Joe winced. "That's Jamie," he said. "Pa keeps telling me he's a Cartwright, too, but I don't believe it."  
  
"Don't tell me Ben's got a mistress somewhere?" scoffed the redhead. "Or that he got married again?"  
  
"No," Joe said. "He just came home with Jamie one day, and then after a time, said he was going to adopt him."  
  
"Well, then he isn't a Cartwright," said the blonde, relieved.  
  
Joe looked relieved. He also looked pretty gorgeous too. No change there then, the girls thought thankfully. The child wandered over and regarded the sisters closely. No doubt he was overwhelmed by their radiant beauty, Joe thought. Or perhaps it was the fact that Paw, their pet bear, had popped his head out of the blonde's handbag and was looking around in great interest.  
  
"You've got a tattoo!" Jamie announced. Quite frankly, it has to be said that his enunciation was not what it could have been. The redhead flicked his inquiring fingers away from her right shoulder.  
  
"My, aren't you observant!" she said in tones of deepest disdain, coloured by a little repugnance. Up close, his deficiencies were even more obvious. Not only was his hair a repulsive shade, he had a flattened nose and was covered in freckles.  
  
Paw shuddered in distaste and jumped into Joe's arms for a reassuring cuddle.  
  
"I don't really see why Pa bothered adopting him," Joe reflected. "If he was feeling lonely, he could have just got a pet, like Paw. He's a lot less bother and considerably nicer looking."  
  
Jamie screwed up his face in an annoying way that was meant to show great emotion/deep thought/befuddlement. "I am a Cartwright!" he pronounced and a deep shudder ran through Joe.  
  
"I've already got two brothers!" he protested weakly and then looked around. Sure enough, Hoss was busy in the barn, but now that Joe came to think of it, he hadn't seen Adam for some time. Several series, in fact. Still, the fact remained that Adam was his brother, even if he was never talked about. Joe wondered what Adam was doing and hoped he had found the success he had so desperately sought.  
  
"I appeal to the younger audience!" Jamie continued and the blonde struggled to resist the urge to belt him with her handbag. Joe pouted slightly and the redhead rushed to reassure him.  
  
"Don't worry poppet! His main function is actually to make you look even more handsome and gorgeous than ever."  
  
"That's right," agreed the blonde. "And he's so ugly that he even makes Hoss look pretty."  
  
"Now that you come to mention it," Joe said, "I noticed that, too."  
  
"I've led a hard life," Jamie said, his murky coloured eyes filling with tears. He sniffed repulsively.  
  
"Use a handkerchief," said the redhead, in tones that her daughters would recognise instantly. It worked on Jamie, too, as he dragged a cotton square out of his pocket, and blew ferociously. The redhead rolled her eyes. "I don't know that I didn't prefer the sniffing," she said. "Now run along to school and get into trouble with your school teacher."  
  
"You're being nasty to me," sobbed Jamie. He really didn't have the colouring to look good crying. In fact, he didn't have the colouring to look good full stop. "I'll tell Pa on you."  
  
"Nothing you tell Pa about these girls will surprise him," Joe assured the ginger dwarf. "Now run along, and get on that horse which is far too big for you, and hop off out of shot."  
  
"At least my hair's naturally red," Jamie said, as a parting shot.  
  
"Which is precisely why my hair is this colour," said the redhead, unperturbed by his venom. "It's choice, not forced on me. Have you ever thought of dying it?"  
  
Jamie looked offended, at least the sisters thought that was his intention. His acting really wasn't the up to the finely honed performances the rest of the cast turned out.  
  
"Or you could try a paper bag," the blonde advised helpfully.  
  
"I'm very popular, you know!" the brat screamed indignantly and Joe buried his head in his hands. This really was too much for the sisters.  
  
"Oh no you're not!" the redhead said, remembering her days in panto and advancing purposefully.  
  
"No one is ever going to talk about a "Jamie/Pa moment" in reverend tones, are they?" asked the blonde rhetorically.  
  
An expression, which might have been confusion (or then again, it might have been constipation) flitted across Jamie's face. "What are you talking about?"  
  
Joe took pity on the ginger dwarf. "All fans love a Joe/Pa moment. It comes after I've been maimed and Pa takes me in his arms and cradles me lovingly. Then I look up at him and whisper "Pa!" and everything turns out alright."  
  
The sisters swooned, mentally replaying a few of their favourite JPMs.  
  
"Why am I here then?" Jamie asked unhappily.  
  
The door opened and Ben strode across the yard. "That's easy, son!" he bellowed cheerfully, clapping a hand forcefully on the unfortunate child- actor's shoulder. "You serve as a uniting force. You see, for a long time, the Adam and Joe fans were at one another's throats. So we simply introduced you as the character that everyone could hate!"  
  
"Oh." Jamie couldn't really think of anything else to say. "So what happens then?"  
  
Joe smiled happily. "We all become very rich and I go on to have an incredibly successful career in television. The Cartwrights are adored by fans all over the world and some of them even write stories about us."  
  
"And me?"  
  
Ben laughed indulgently. "Oh, you turn up at the odd convention or two, but that's about it."  
  
"No, I do recall one story where you were run over and killed by Santa Claus's reindeer," said the redhead. "I thought it was a very appropriate ending for you. Especially as you insist on bringing your wife and snotty kids to the conventions, and your wife won't let you watch one ep, where you had your first girlfriend acting with you."  
  
Joe grinned broadly. "Didn't she fancy me in that ep?" he asked.  
  
"Who wouldn't?" the blonde asked. She goosed him briskly.  
  
With a howl of despair, the dreaded Jamie turned tail and fled the house, sobbing violently. The girls and Ben all smiled at Joe, who grinned back. "Its so nice to be just us again, isn't it?" he asked.  
  
"True," said Ben, who went to give Joe a small hug.  
  
"Look, a JPM just for us," sighed the sisters.  
  
"Normal service is resumed," said Joe.  
  
*********  
  
He woke with a start, and looked across at himself in the mirror. His hair was short again, and Joe wondered if this was a nightmare. Was he really going to have an ugly ginger dwarf as an adopted brother? He hoped not.  
  
Next moment, the door bust open, and the girls came dashing in. they had managed to get up early, and were bringing breakfast back to bed with them. Paw bear was snuggled up against the pillow.  
  
"I had this really weird dream," Joe said.  
  
The End  
  
Giggly Sister Productions February 2003 


End file.
